I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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