I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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