just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize