I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
