You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
