There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
