That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
