when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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