haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
cat food counts as protein by the way
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
