Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
