It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
