I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
