At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I need to calm my uterus...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
