I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
