I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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