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Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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