dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
