I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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