1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
