I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
