I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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