I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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