M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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