I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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