as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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