You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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