I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
