yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
zippers are such a cool invention
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
