thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
