She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
