He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
