beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
