Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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