wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
