Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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