FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
did i just pee glitter
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
