listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just had sex on a roof
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
