I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
