life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
