I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
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