Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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