I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
