Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
