I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
