In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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