I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
