My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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