Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You're like the curious george of whores
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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