party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
