Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize