The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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