I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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