Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
