Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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