Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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