I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
