I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Boobs speak an international language.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
