You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
