In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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