In the future we'll all be gay
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
