Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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