You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
